i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
