if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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