I never want to see another naked old woman again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize