my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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