I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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