ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
