did you get engaged???
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
