Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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