I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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