I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
