...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
