Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
