dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
