cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
