Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
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new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize