i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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