I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
