Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
