i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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