I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
