I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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