is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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