I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
