Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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