It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
