your room smells of hookers.
And success
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
