Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
