Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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