He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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