Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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