When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
