I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
