Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
