I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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