I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
