you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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