I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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