How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
