Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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