i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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