I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
