Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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