I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
