I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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