I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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