I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
