kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
