i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
