genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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