why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
