apparently the secret to your success is patron
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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