last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
