Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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