I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
