Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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