somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Randomize
