i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
