Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
