i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
