Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
