Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
