I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My ATM looks so different sober.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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