Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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