Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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