Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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